Looking For The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I'm trying to keep this damn thing updated. I ended up going to a dealership with my parents on Saturday. Although my credit sucks, they worked with me on a lease for a 2013 Ford Focus. This helped me deal with the demise of the Suzuki. Monday, I went to see Helen. Her husband was there, which I figured he'd be since it was around 5:00 in the afternoon. Normally, when I see a girl I like with another guy, I usually wanna throw up. There's that twinge of pain that hits right in the middle of my heart. It was kind of scary on Monday... none of that happened when I saw them kiss. No twinge of jealousy, not heartache, nothing. I'm not sure if I have just learned to accept disappointment or if I'm just numb from all of the times I've been rejected. I'll never understand how dirtbags get these amazing women and manage to keep a hold of them. Sometimes, the girl comes to her senses and leaves, but the dirtbag gets them right back with them. I don't know how they do it. I'm almost starting to think I'm not trying hard enough. Regardless, any possibility of letting Helen know how much she means to me is out the window. The rest of the week went by without too many problems. For the most part, it was quiet. My trip to WrestleMania just got a bit more challenging. The U.S Department of Education has taken my tax return. That's $1300 that I was going to use to get caught up with everyone else that I owe money to. Here's the kicker. I have a payment plan with them. There's no reason for them to take my tax return money. I already tried calling them and was directed to a number that was "not available" at the time. I plan on trying again on Monday. If they refuse to return a good chunk of my tax return to me, I'll just close my account and choose a new bank. Illegal? Most likely, but I refuse to stay broke until I pay them the $13,000 I somehow owe them. Thanks to my mother and my grandmother, I'll still be going on my trip, this weekend. Hopefully, it'll snap me out of this slum I'm in. I'm starting to become more confident that The Undertaker will win. Someone at work threw out a few facts. He basically said why would he go 20-0 just to lose to someone like CM Punk. I agree it makes no sense. Also, I've been thinking that I should really get back into writing. More like starting to write is more like it. I have three passions. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, wrestling, and writing. Writing's been my passion since I was a kid. But, I always get writer's block and never put any of my good ideas on paper. I did a lot of little "stories" when I was a kid, but as I got older, I started doing less and less. I'm starting to question if writing really is my passion. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm my own critic and will accept nothing but the best. If something doesn't look right, I just stop and do it all over again. Sometimes, my mind races faster than I can put it down. I go too much into detail and explaining the scene. That's a huge mistake. I should just give enough information that's needed and let the reader use their imagination. That's why I wanted to be a writer in the first place. Another problem is that I have so many ideas, I don't know which one I want to focus on first. I may wanna go back to doing a few short stories to warm up. Then, work on an actual novel. I just know that I don't wanna self-publish. They'll never sell that way. That's what Robin did. Then again, she self-published and only told her friends and family. She expected us to spread the word. I did to an extent, but it takes more than just that. "I just want my books to take off," she'd say over and over again whenever we hung out. Well, then you gotta put the work in. You can't just sit there and expect to become a New York Times Best Selling Author overnight and then get pissed off when that doesn't happen. In order for me to realize my dream, I must first sit down and write until it's done. Then, I need to find an agent, possibly an editor as well. The agent does the advertising for me and even finds me a publisher. At that point, it's up to the public. Sure, I'll spread the word myself, but at the end of the day, the agent and publisher get the product out to the public. It's not easy. It takes a lot of dedication. I know that I have it. Now, I just gotta act on it. Maybe after my little vacation, I'll get back in it. Everybody talks about living the American dream, but not too many act on it.

Dark Days Have Arrived

I remember when I used to update this thing weekly. It's crazy to see how much I've changed. I've evolved into something even greater than what I was back then. So, how come I don't feel that incredible? 2012 was an awesome year for me. There were a few times that sucked, but those happen. Although, Helen and I never got together, we have a special connection that allows us to be friends. Still, I wish things had worked out differently. She's amazing. When I was taking her to her GED classes, her sister woke me up at noon to go get her. I was extremely tired, but I went to pick her up. When I arrived, she saw how exhausted I was and told me she would walk to her sister's. It was a five minute walk, so I said ok and left. I would always look the door in the bedroom that her sister let me sleep in, so the kids wouldn't be opening it and waking me up. I almost drift off, when I hear someone trying to open the door. I knew I locked it, so I pay no attention. That is... until the door opens and there's Helen with a butter knife. She jimmied the lock to check on me. That's when I knew that she legitimately cared for me. She leaned down, we hugged and gave each other a peck on the cheek, then she shut the door. When I was with her, I discovered things about me that I never knew. She has two kids and although I wasn't really a father figure with them, her son took to me almost immediately. Not sure why, but seeing how I'm a big kid myself, that could be it. Helen had a particular look that she'd give me when I was around. Somewhere around the lines of admiration and graciousness. Personally, I think she was scared about getting into a relationship after her marriage with her husband ended up being a complete disaster. She didn't want me to be alone, so her and her brother-in-law, Derrick who I worked with, had me meet her other sister, Tina. Tina had four kids that were all out of control except for the infant, and wasn't exactly the cleanest or brightest girl. But, when you're desperate, you'll lie and overlook just about everything. Which is exactly what I did. I overlooked how disgusting her parents house was, how out of control the kids were, how terrible human beings her parents are, and how incredibly dirty and stupid she was. Why did I waste three months of my time with this girl? Because Helen would occasionally come over there and tell me how proud she was that I was stepping up for her sister and the kids. Eventually, I had enough and just straight-up dumped her. Helen and I were still cool, which is all that mattered to me anyways. I'd sometimes take her to college in Scranton. As honorable as that may seem, it was also pretty stupid too. My car was six months past it's inspection and was slowly falling apart. I remember Helen waiting for her class to start in my Buick and we saw a parking meter cop. She mentioned that they can also arrest someone breaking the law. I said, "well that makes me all fuzzy inside seeing how my car's six months past it's inspection." She slowly turned to me with this expression that said, "are you nuts?" However, her next words caught me off guard. She said, "You did all this for me?" It's no secret that I like her a lot. About as much as I liked Denna or Kelcie. She ended up putting college on hold and got a job close to her place. I finished the year off and my Buick finally kicked the bucket. Hitting the deer and having a brake line break on me didn't really help that much either. My dad worked out a deal with me and sold me mom's 2008 Suzuki XL7 for $9,000. About a week after getting the vehicle, I went out to hang with Mike Sisson and Kelcie along with our friend from work, Greg Swartz. I saw Kelcie talking to this girl in the corner of the bar we were at. I walked over to see how Kelcie was getting home. She introduced me to the girl and we got to talking. Instead of taking Kelcie home, I ended up taking this girl home instead. One thing led to another and we were making out in my bedroom the next night. I had a girlfriend that I thought wasn't a complete psycho. Still, the similarities between her and Helen are scary. The hair color, facial structure, the way they talk, even their toes look similar. Her name's Colleen McGrory and like Helen, she's close to her sister, has a boy and a girl, just like Helen does. Some of the guys I work with thought that this girl was just a substitute, because I couldn't get with Helen. No, that's not the case. It's just a weird coincidence. Unfortunately, my relationship with Colleen only lasted three weeks and I was sick for one of them. She was sick for one of them, so there was no huge attachment. However, the disappointment I felt was huge. I might of recovered and still be friends with her if it weren't for one huge factor. A few weeks went by after I was sick, but I never made a recovery and most of the symptoms stayed with me. A blood test confirmed that I had Mono, the kissing disease. Not only did this girl play games, but she gave me a viral illness that never truly goes away. What's worse is that she hangs out with Swartz every week. If he gets hurt and she's the reason, I made a promise that I would make her life a living hell. Ever since she dumped me, I haven't been myself. I lost all hope in everything. To make matters worse, before I knew I had Mono, Kelcie and I made out. I called her to give her a heads-up and she freaked out. She no longer talks to me. Mike Sisson over-heard me tell Kelcie that I'm tired of him always bugging me to come out and drink, so he no longer talks to me either. Here's the part that's disturbing. I could care less about both. If that wasn't enough, I wrecked my Suzuki on Monday during a snow storm. The car is totalled. Yet, I don't have a scratch on me even though it tipped over on my side. The hits just keep on coming. It's taken a huge toll on my personality. Like I said before, I haven't felt like myself. There's only two things that can snap me out of this mind-set I'm in. Unfortunately, neither one looks like it's about to happen anytime soon. The first one being winning Helen's affection. I don't feel like Jack Sullivan when I'm around Helen. I'm something much more. I'm a knight, a savior, a hero. That's what I feel when I'm around Helen. But, she's about to get back with her ex-husband and before that, she didn't want a relationship. At least not with me anyway. The other solution is that Undertaker has to win at WrestleMania, this year. Swartz and I have discussed it and we have tickets, this year. We're going to WrestleMania in New Jersey. Undertaker's facing a former WWE & World Heavyweight Champion by the name of CM Punk. Since wrestling's scripted, there's already rumors that CM Punk will be the one to end Undertaker's undefeated streak. Then again, there were a few others that were said to end the Deadman's streak and he dropped every single one of them on their heads. I remember back in 2007, watching Undertaker defeat Batista for the World Heavyweight Championship. Everyone said that Batista was chosen to retain the title. Undertaker beat him. I still remember the feeling I had when Undertaker beat him and went on to hold the title for a few months. All was right with the world. When he beat Edge in 2008, I felt the same way. Not only that, but that was also when Denna and I were sort of seeing each other too. Again, all was right with the world. Last year, Undertaker beat Triple H in a Hell in a Cell match. Helen and I just met. She had been texting me every day since that first day. She asked me How was WrestleMania, this year. She was a bit of a wrestling fan too. I texted her back saying it was awesome and Undertaker won. So, why do I think that the rumors may be true, this time? Because I've seen pictures of The Undertaker lately. He looks tired and after his last match at WrestleMania, he probably has one more left in him. That and CM Punk is the only one that can withstand the hatred from all of the fans around the world. However, there's still that small ray of hope that The Undertaker will come through for me. Mostly, because he always has before. I need him to win this match badly. I'm not sure what a loss will do to me. He's gotta win. In a couple weeks, I'm going to see Helen and pretty-much tell her what I have put down here. It won't matter as far as her and I becoming a couple, but I'll get the satisfaction of knowing that she knows how much she means to me.