Old Flames Extinguished

Recently, it's been brought to my attention that there really is something special about me. Helen's been trying to get me to see that for damn near three years. I didn't fully believe her. However, there's a lot of things that I can't explain. The biggest one being that no matter what I say or do to Tonya and Matthew, they stand beside me unconditionally. I can do no wrong in their eyes. They might not necessarily agree with how I handle certain things, but they're always there to support me. Matthew looks up to me more than any other kid that's been around me. Helen's boy, Jay does as well. I'm their hero. When I first got with Tonya, I had a few concerns. I wasn't sure about her son for one. Last time I was in a relationship where there kids involved, it was with Tina. We all know how well that worked out. I didn't wanna turn into that monster that I was when I was with her. Another concern was how I felt about Helen at the time. I never admitted this until now... the whole reason that I got with Tina was so I could still be close to Helen. It sort of backfired. I was accused by both Tina and her parents for still wanting to be with Helen. They were right, but I also wanted to be loyal to my then-girlfriend. They told Helen to stay clear of me, so Tina and I could be happy. We didn't talk, we didn't make eye contact, we didn't even act like we were in the same room. It killed me. What I didn't know was that it was killing Helen as well. So, both of us were happy when I finally broke it off after three months of hell. You would've thought that after going through what I went through, I'd have taken a break from dating. Nope, I got right back out on the market. About a couple months ago, I did confess to Helen the reason why I stuck it out with her sister as long as I did. Her response raised my confidence for several weeks. "I'm gonna beat you! Why didn't you tell me sooner? I would've been there!" she said smiling. Helen's one of the few people that has always believed in me. I remember stopping in to see her when she worked at the Family Dollar. I told her that she used to make me feel ten times bigger than I really am. She said "you're twenty times bigger than you think you are." Her daughter, Twila will cuddle right next to me when she gets home from school. Her and her cousins all have little girl crushes on me. Luckily for me, my concerns when I first got with Tonya were answered. Although, I liked Helen a couple years ago, I'm happy with Tonya. I will always care for Helen and I'll always be there for her and her kids. Just as she cares and is always there for me as well. She says I'm her brother. Since most of her family sucks, she could use a brother-figure like me. I'm growing to love Tonya more and more everyday. I said I wouldn't rush things in my next relationship and I'm keeping my word on that. However, if she's still with me around this time next year, I'm making that decision to spend the rest of my life with her. I brought up the past history with Helen for a reason though. A couple weeks ago, I found one of my old crushes on Facebook. Her name's Christina. She wasn't just the one that got away. She was the one that I LET get away. I met her my senior year in high school. I was chilling with the guys on the wrestling team. It was the second to last time that I ever stepped foot on a wrestling mat. She was a freshman on the cheerleading squad. She started giving hugs to the guys for luck. When it came time for me to get one, I jokingly asked about a kiss. She gave me a pec on the cheek without second thought. She hung out with us until it was time for us to go. I lost to my opponent, but it was only by a few points and it was one of my best matches. I held my head high. I'd pass her in the hallway from time to time. There was one day that I was on my way to study hall and she was standing outside her classroom. She saw me and playfully smacked my arm with her notebook. "You never say hi to me when you see me," she said. I apologized and said I would from now on. "Um... do you think I could call you sometime?" she asked. I said that she could and wrote down my number. I started getting phone calls every night from her. She'd write me notes, give me little gifts, hang out with me when we were waiting for practice, etc. So, what was the problem? She was 14 years old and I was 18. Even though she said she liked me, but was cool with just being friends, I was still uncomfortable with everything. So, instead of doing the right thing and just be her friend, I snap at her and ignore her. To her credit, she never said a bad word against me. She had every right to. She would just glance at me in the halls and bite her bottom lip. A few years went by and I ran into her at a dance. I had matured a little bit at this point and apologized for how I handled things. We even danced, that night. Still, I never did forgive myself for how I treated her. Part of me wanted a second chance, but I know deep down that I don't deserve it. I do want some closure. When it warms up, I'm gonna find time where her and I aren't busy and I plan on hanging out with her. Helen offered to go with me, but this is something I need to do on my own. When I found Christina on Facebook, some of those old feelings came back. I started to question whether I was happy with Tonya or not. Christina does have a boyfriend, but I never told her that I did in fact like her back. After talking to Helen, I took a step back and observed everything. Then, it hit me. Why fix what isn't broken? Tonya's been loyal, kind-hearted, and compassionate. She'd do anything for me. Why would I wanna ruin that? Until she does something to betray that trust, I'm not going anywhere. I owe Helen big time for helping me deal with this. I also owe her for meeting Tonya in the first place. I'm almost 100% positive that I found the right one.