Who Is The Real Jack Sullivan

Once in a while, I'll read some of my old journals that I've written. None of them ever got finished. I'd usually get 6 months into them and then I'd just stop. Mostly, because my grades would suck and I'd be grounded. There are a couple from a few years ago. I just got lazy with those. One of the pages that I read, caught my attention. Also, a lot's been happening, lately. The past couple of weeks, I've been more paranoid than usual. My worst enemy has always been myself. It's been an on-going battle for years. Sometimes, I'd win and sometimes the darker side of me would win. It's gotten better over the years thanks to people like Robin, Johnny, Cody, and Denna. Yeah, I still fall into some of my past demons, but thanks to them, I get back up. These past couple weeks, I realized that I'm still learning who I am. Sometimes, I can be unsure of myself. So, I've decided to list as many of my qualities (both good and bad) as I could think of. The first thing that comes to mind is my passion. Whether it's a comic book character, a TV show, or a past era, I'll try to find out as much information about it as possible. Not only that, but I have no problem expressing it. Another thing that comes to mind right away is honor. I always try to do the right thing. Even if it may come back to bite me. Respect is a huge quality that I find important. I look at my heroes and most of them (along with honor) have respect. As a result, they're respected by their peers and everyone around them. Here's a quick story. I ran into a friend that still goes to Cortland. I jokingly asked her if she or anyone missed me. Her answer caught me off guard. She stated that quite a few people, even some that she didn't personally knew, have approached her to ask where I disappeared to. I was only at Cortland for 5 months. I didn't think I made that huge of an impact. Some of my friends have expressed their admiration for my respect of women. When I was younger, I was usually with my mom a good amount of the time. Yeah, I'm a momma's boy. I admit it. I think it's because I was always with her that I have this high respect for women. I'll open doors for them, pull out chairs for them, I'll act like a gentleman. It's a bit old school for our generation, but it's what separates me from every other guy. Depending on the situation, I have no problem forgiving and forgetting. People that were my enemies like Tyler Blackman, or I felt have wronged me like the Denna situation over the summer, I've made peace with. However, if you do happen to get on my bad side, I can hold a grudge. I may be playing along to get along with Nate, but I have my eye on him. Another person that I hold a huge grudge against is Bridgette. I really can't stand people like her. A quality that I feel is both good and bad is that I'm straight up with everyone. I don't sugar-coat things very often. I tell it like it is. I got that from my dad and I'm glad that I have this quality. Sometimes it does come back to bite me. I'm mostly known for my sense of humor. Sometimes, I can brighten up somebody's day without even realizing it. That's what happened in my senior year with Ashley. I didn't even think that much about it, but she did. I can be very hypocritical at times. I try to keep that under control. I despise hypocrites. But, nobody's perfect and that includes me. I can also be stubborn when I wanna be. If my mind's made up, it takes a lot of effort to change it. Another quality that I can think of is that I'm never quick to judge. I try to get to know a person first. Everybody gets a fair chance with me. My final quality, which again is both good and bad is that I have an ego. I think that my ego really defines who I am. Again, it can get in the way every once and a while, but thats the case for most people. I forget where I heard this, but I know it had to do with wrestling. People either love you or hate you. There's only good people or bad people. There's no in between. After looking everything over, I've come to this conclusion. I can either be your best friend or your worst enemy. The choice is yours. Overall, I try to be the best that I can be. I'd go to war for any of my friends. If they ever needed anything, I'd be there for them. Robin and Denna have convinced me that I'm the best. I take pride in making sure that I continue to live up to that expectation. Sometimes my expectations are too high, but I try to reach them regardless. Here's another quick story. Denna has brought two of her friends and her cousin to hang out with MY friends. The reason being is that she wanted them to find BETTER people to hang out with. Kelcie ended up dating Cody and she's been around almost a year with us now. Corey said that he thought we were cool and he'll probably be around more. Walter, Denna's Cousin is cool with me, but he's not a people person. Still, he's at least cool with me. My friends define who I am. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am. I think it's a huge honor that Denna brought her friends to hang out with my friends, because she thinks we're good people. Hell, before she came back, I was in one of my moods and she said, "Jack, you're awesome. Don't you ever forget that." That meant a lot. While I was listing all of my qualities, a question entered my mind. How do I want to be remembered. While I was thinking of an answer, I thought of Chris Benoit. A man that was highly respected for years. Then, that tragic incident happened and the crowd's split in half. Some condemn him as a murderer, while some will always remember what he stood for. Everybody will have their own opinion about me. I'd like for people to remember me like I remember Chris Benoit. A man that cared about his friends and family, highly respected, and touched the lives of everyone around him. When I came back to BCC, I could sense my friends' hearts leap for joy. People who didn't know who I was, but heard of me, came over to introduce themselves. Without intending to do so, I created a legacy about me. How do I want to be remembered? It really doesn't matter as long as I'm not forgotten. I've brought this up as a reminder. For the times when I am my own worst enemy and I forget who I am. Now, I can always look back and remember.

Why My Head Hurts.

Denna did end up coming home after all. At first, I thought she was avoiding me. Fortunately, that wasn't the case. She said that before she makes plans, she has to see if her dad has any plans for her on that day. It was a big relief. I did end up get to see her, yesterday. She brought a friend of her's from Endicott. He was cool. I invited them to the party that Seth and I are trying to put together for next weekend. Now that Denna's back in town, I'm not sure what I'm doing, this weekend. I'd love to hang out with her, but if she doesn't call me by Thursday, I'm staying home. I could really use a break from drinking and everything. The only reason why I'd go away this weekend, is if I could hang out with her. Yesterday, I can't exactly prove it, but I think I caught her glancing at me a few times. Kind of like she did back in the day. Again, I can't prove it, but I'm pretty sure. As for how my weekend went, that's easy enough. On Friday, it turned out that Danny's party was actually a birthday for one of their friends. There WERE single girls there, but there was one problem. They had two or more kids. My friend Dana scolded me for not making more of an effort. She had a lot of logic behind argument. So, who knows? There was one that was 30 years old that seemed pretty cool. Unfortunately, after the party, Danny and Jay were locked out of their apartment, so we had to crash at Branda's place. I don't think I've mentioned her before, so here's some background information. She's a single mom at the moment. She does have a boyfriend, but who knows how long that'll last. She's pregnant with another child and for some reason, she seems obsessed with the fact that I'm still a virgin. Apparently, she seems that I'm gonna have difficulty getting a girl due to my one rule. I'm not too worried about that. She loves bringing it up, though. I'm not sure why, yet. Today, she saw me walking down the hall and gave me a big hug. She said she'd see me on Friday, but I'm not sure what I'm doing yet as far as going away for the weekend. Getting back to what happened this weekend, Saturday I headed over to Candor. Not much happened over there. Sunday, Seth and I hung out with Clarissa. Again, it was funny watching him trying to "put the moves" on her. It's like watching a retard trying to get girls. That was pretty-much my Sunday. So, that was my weekend. I've been doing a lot of thinking, lately. Ever since Denna's been back, she's been on my mind constantly. Hell, before she came back, she was on my mind. There has only been one other person to have grabbed my attention like this and that was Ashley. We all know how that story ended. I just don't know what the hell to do. Denna's still married to that moron, this Corey guy entered the scene, and no matter what I do, I can't get her out of my head. I talked to Danny about it, last night. He said that I should talk to her. In fact, he thought that I should've been a little more active on Monday. I told him that I didn't wanna have to compete for her. "There's only competition in sports," he replied. So, after talking to Danny, I've decided to talk to Denna when I see her. He thinks that I'm in love with her. He could be right. The thing is that for the time being, she's married to Keegan. So, even if I do love her, there's nothing I really can do about it, except let her know. Seth made up some more bullshit. This time, it was about Denna. That's one subject that I'm not gonna put up with his b.s. He needs to stop with the bullshit. I'm not the only that's fed up with him. Dan and Chris only tolerate him for my sake. Eventually, I'm gonna end up flipping out on him. I'm surprised I haven't snapped yet. I'll deal with him later. Right now, I have more important things to focus on. There's someone more important that deserves my attention. It's about time I gave it to her.

When Reality Was Real

This week hasn't been too bad. In fact, things have been pretty good. The impact from Cody's Birthday party stayed with me for most of it. Thanks to Chris (and a little effort from me), Dan and Bridgette are dating. That's really good for him. Dan deserves to be happy. Although I've been friends with Chris for years, I've really come to respect Dan a great deal. We have a few important similarities, which is what I like. Even though I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself get sucked back into that ridiculous reality show, A Double Shot At Love, I did end up watching it near the end. That's Seth's fault. Man, this season was even more ridiculous than the last season. Two twins are "looking for love". At the Finale, both of them "fall in love" with the same guy. Big surprise there. The worst part about it is that they led a beautiful single mom on throughout the entire show. Well, the guy they both "loved" is a moron. He picked one of them and the other twin cried and became jealous. Again....BIG FREAKIN' SURPRISE THERE! I think both the twins are immature, shallow, sluts just like Tila Tequila. They're so freakin' rediculous that I want so badly to find them and scream at them about how they're immature, shallow, little girls that only wanted their fifteen minutes of fame. I talked to Denna, today. Because her husband's a moron, she might not be coming up to New York, this week. There was a time that I was bitter towards her. I was disappointed in myself as well. I felt like I had been played. It's happened before. I've said things that I didn't mean at the time. I've apologized for them and I've also received several apologies from Denna for everything. While we were talking, she showed me a few videos of her and her husband. I'm not a big fan of her husband due to jealousy and the fact that I haven't really heard good things about him. Still, as she's showing me these videos, every memory that I ever had, just hit me. The thing about Denna was that she wasn't "the one that got away." She was the one that left. I didn't approve of the choice that she made, but it wasn't my choice to make. After talking to her and watching those videos, made me miss her incredibly. Hell, even if she does come back to New York, things won't be like they were. There'll be barriers that weren't there before. Still, it kills me how close we were to dating. It's frustrating as hell to get so close and have the same thing happen every freakin' time. Danny's party is tomorrow. Hopefully, there will be girls at this one that aren't too young or taken. Hell, just as long as tomorrow's party was as good as Cody's Birthday party, I'll be very satisfied.

Back To Being Me

I've always said that I'm my own worst enemy. The past few weeks, I've been a shell of my former self. This weekend, I started to return to who I am. I hung out with Aaron and Marcy on Friday, which meant that I was drinking. The hangover sucked the next day, but it went away after two Ibuprophens. Saturday was Cody's birthday party. After the last party, I'll admit that I was a bit unsure how this one would turn out. This party was a hell of a lot better than the last one. Apparently, these girls remember me from telling them an epic story about a shirt I got, last year. I don't remember that story or even meeting these girls, but they remember me. Too bad the one girl was only 17. The other girl was of age, but she had a cool boyfriend named Jerimiah. Her name was Samantha. Jerimiah and I talked a bit, then I talked to Sam. At one point, she grabbed Danny and dragged him into the hall, because something was bothering her. I was nervous that I might've said something stupid without realizing it like I did, last Saturday. When we were outside, I asked her if I said or did anything wrong. "Oh, no Jerimiah likes you. It was Just that....that Paul guy is a bit grabby and Jerimiah was nervous that he'd try to touch me," was her answer. Unfortunately, Paul is starting to get this reputation as being the loud, drunk, annoying guy that's all touchy-feely. Basically, he's being "that guy". When we went back inside after smoking either a cigarette or cigar, she sat on Jerimiah's lap, pointed to me, and said: "I like him." Man, that was a huge ego boost. All night long, I was making those guys laugh just by being me. That's how I used to be. I'd just make people at the parties laugh and have a good time. Sam is freakin' amazing. It almost kills me that she's taken. She's very attractive and I really dig her personality. Paul was trying to pick her up, but he's "that guy", so it didn't work. Last night's party was exactly what I needed. Things are starting to be like they were. Tonight, was the big superbowl. Unfortunately, the Giants weren't part of this one. Still, the game was very close and very good. I'm not a football fan, so that speaks volumes. Next week, the party's gonna be Friday instead of Saturday. Danny promised that there'd be beautiful, single, girls that are of age at this one. He better be able to deliver true to his word, because it's been a long time. This weekend's been the best one in a long time and I need to continue to keep my morale up. Hopefully, the same girls that were there, yesterday will be there on Friday. Either way, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was just a very long tunnel.