It's Never Easy

This week has so far been very demanding. The good news is that the guy I was filling in for, has come back. Although, he's not 100%, he's been a big help, this week. He's a little bit like me. Skinny, kind of goofy and squirrely, likes to do the job right the first time, and doesn't mind helping anyone out. Even though work's been grueling this week, I'm still liking the change. Last week, I bought WrestleMania 29. It's the first time that I bought a WWE PPV DVD that I've been to personally. I knew that it'd be a lot different watching it on my TV than it was when I was there in person, but I wasn't expecting the experience I got when I watched it again. Every memory from my trip hit me as I sat there watching it. I remember the cool breeze blowing gently from where I was sitting, I remember the warmth of the sun as it started to set during the second match, I remember the energy that emitted from the crowd during certain matches, and I remember the feeling it was to be there in general. That event got me through another tough time. Just like WrestleMania 17 did thirteen years ago. Some people like to knock pro wrestling, because it's scripted. They say it's all fake and not worth watching. It's much more than that to me. Some people turn to football, baseball, or some type of sport to get them through a hard time. They pull behind their favorite team hoping that they'll win the game or a Championship. Wrestling's no different for me. I've said it before. Wrestling has always been there. No matter what, I can always go to a show or watch RAW or throw in a DVD and it'll bring my morale up. It's no different than someone's favorite TV show, movie, or music. Everyone needs an outlet to get that negative energy out of their system. Last week, I also texted Helen, because it's been a while, since her and I talked. Before I get into that, I found out from Kelcie that Colleen, who gave me mono and dumped me for no apparent reason, is now dating her crush that she had even when she was with me. If she had just been honest, I'd probably still be friends with her. Hell, if she didn't give me a viral illness that sticks with you for the rest of your life, I'd probably would've still been her friend. I can't begin to explain how frustrated and angry I am that she got what she wanted and she's completely happy, while I got played and went through two months of isolation from everyone. Anyone that I've ever pursued, have always told me the same thing. "I don't want to hurt you. You're too valuable as a friend. If we broke up, I'm afraid we wouldn't be as close as we are!" It gets old after a while. I pursued Ashley Vincent (now Nolan) back in the day and I'm more or less a stranger to her. I got a little further with Denna than I did with her, but she was young and immature back then. I pursued Kelcie for three years before I came to my senses and realized it would never work out. Now, she's dating a guy that's straight-edge. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, and doesn't do drugs. Kelcie does all three. I highly doubt it's going to work out. Everyone wondered why I stayed with Tina for so long, last year. Because I knew that it would be extremely difficult to get in another relationship. Still, I should've ended it sooner than I did. Probably after the first two weeks, I should've been gone. Thanks to Colleen, I can't go to the bars that my friends hang out at, because I know that upon seeing her, I'll verbally tear her apart and ruin everyone's good time. Swartz is constantly hanging out with her and her sister, who's been sleeping with Mike Sisson for a few weeks. I don't understand why my friends are so careless. They saw what happened to me. It could happen to them as well or worse. I've been hearing that Colleen and her sister have been using Swartz from my other co-workers at work. As much as I'd like to show up at the bar on a Friday night and put those tramps in their place, I don't want to ruin everyone else who's there just to have a good time. So, I'll just sit back and wait for Karma to come in and bring justice like it has several times in the past. So, what would make me happy and bring me at peace with everything? That's easy, it's being with Helen. The girl broke into the bedroom I was sleeping in, because I showed up at her school around lunch time to bring her to her sister's house and I looked exhausted as hell. She's one of the few people that I know truly cares about me. Unfortunately, she's with her asshole husband, who I'm pretty sure hasn't changed from the last time they were together and isn't treating her or their kids right. Still, I know she cares. Despite what she says, I know she was attracted to me when I was taking her to her school and she was afraid something bad would happen, b/c of her stupid husband. This is just guess work on my part, but I'm sure I'm right on this one. Anyways, Helen and I texted back and forth. Then, out of nowhere she texts me, "Thank you for being my friend. I'm so thankful to you, Jack. Just wanted to let you know." It caught me off guard, although she's always saying I'm her best friend, closest friend, brother, etc. When we used to flirt, she said something around the lines of, "Well, you are handsome, little bit street fighter look, little bit country, and a little bit of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Hard to resist sometimes!" I wasn't getting compliments like that at the time. She knows she means a lot to me, but I don't think she knows just how much. I have a feeling that there's a special place in her heart for me. She talks me up more than her brother-in-law does. Just thinking about her gets rid of any frustration I'll be having at the moment. I swore that I'd never settle for second best again and I'll honor that. However, if I can't be with her, I'm at least finding someone that's just as good as she is.

Relaxed, But Still Ranting

I don't even know where to begin. Work's still going great. With the exception of that 19 year old worthless prick running into my pallets of load bars, I have nothing to complain about. The guy that I'm replacing is supposed to come back on Monday. He'll be on light duty for a while. My boss assured me that no matter what happens, I'm always going to be on 1st shift. Slowly, I'm getting my life back together. Tuesday, there was a memorial service for a person that my parents and I knew. Since, it was a Harpursville death, there were a lot of people from Harpursville that were there. Some that I haven't seen, since I graduated in 2004. My dad called for me to come over to the bar while I was talking to one of them. He introduced me to one of the indy wrestler's dads. Apparently, him and my dad were in the same Catholic school back in the day. So, I talked to him for a couple hours. He's trying to get my dad to come to the show on August 9th. I have a few mixed feelings about that. Dad will be entering MY world and I know he's not gonna like what he's gonna see. Mainly, me screaming like a lunatic. He's voiced many times that he finds that stupid, but I really don't care. It's a good time for me. Whether he's there or not, I'm still doing what I always do at shows. Speaking of shows, I went to the 2CW show on Saturday. My sinuses were acting up, but I still went and I still screamed. As a result, I had no voice the next day. Robin texts me that she needs my help as soon as possible. I asked what was wrong because I wasn't feeling that great. I had no voice, my sinuses were kicking my ass, and I didn't feel like going anywhere. She texts back that it's a matter between life or death. Again, I ask what's wrong. She texts back that her boyfriend of three years wants to break up with her. ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME??? THAT'S NOT A MATTER BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH!!! As much as I love Robin, she can be melodramatic at times. Without meaning to, she can exaggerate certain parts of a story. An example of this, is when Kara got in a car accident and was sent to the ER. Robin made it sound like she got disfigured in the accident and the doctors were trying to piece her face back together. Kara fractured the bridge of her nose and was a bit banged up, but she looked same as ever. When she talked to Kara's parents, she somehow made it sound like Kara was dying. As a result, Kara and Robin are no longer friends. Neither one of them is right on this issue, but that's irrelevant. Back to my story about her boyfriend wanting to break up with her. After calling Robin and asking for details, it sounds like this guy may be playing games. Can't prove it, but that's what it sounds like. After going to the memorial, I headed up to Robin's place. I asked what's going on and all I got was "It's personal, brah." So, either someone's in his head or he's going through a phase he's not familiar with. I know in the past that Robin's too controlling and he's not wrong on that. She can be very controlling and that's probably why most of her relationships don't last. She admits that she feels that she has to be dominant and look alpha 24/7. I've told her that's the most childish, immature thing I've ever heard and she just glared at me. So, I hung out with them for a half hour and went home. Apparently, that's all I had to do and things are slightly getting better. While I'm on this subject, I don't understand why these girls won't dump their loser boyfriends that just use them and/or make them feel like they're not good enough. These scumbags will go out and blatantly cheat on these girls, but they'll still be with them. I've been trying for almost a year now for Denna to dump her douche bag and she just won't. She said things like, "it's my fault he acts like that," "my heart just can't do it," "I gotta try harder." That's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. Denna's not the problem for once. When Denna and I fooled around, we were both young and immature. Apparently, I'm the only one of the two of us that grew up. When I tell Denna she needs to leave this guy, she clams up and stops talking. One of these days, I'm just gonna go full throttle and speak my mind whether she likes it or not. I know it's not easy to dump someone. I lied to myself for three months when I was with Tina. But, it got to a point that I was sick of being a door mat and being lied to. I wasn't happy, things weren't going to get better, and if I didn't dump her soon, there would've been four dead bodies with their blood on my hands. I was happy with Colleen until she did me dirty. Because of my past relationships, I'm extremely picky on who I date and very shallow as well, but I don't care. I'm not expecting to date a super model, but I don't want some plain looking dumpy girl waddling beside me or a walking, talking, stick for that matter. Speaking of which, Kelcie has started talking to me again. Apparently, she wasn't mad at me as much as she was scared of getting what I have. This is both a good and bad thing. Good thing, because I can always chill with her whenever I need to kill time. Bad thing, because there's gonna be times she's gonna want me to go out and I'll have to work the next morning. Then again, with her working, maybe she'll give me a break now that she knows what it's like. We've been off and on as friends so many times, I'm at the point where if she wants to talk to me, then good. If she doesn't, then that's good too. She's told me about some of her bad situations that she's been part of in the past couple weeks. The thing is she allows herself to be put in those situations. Hell, she almost asks for them. So, my sympathy is not that high. Hopefully, she'll wake up and straighten her life out one day. I hope I'm there to see it.

Ages 18 And Up

it feels great to have a normal life again. As much as I liked working on 3rd shift, I'm happier that I'm on days again. Everyone's attitude is much better on 1st shift. Today, I was helping a couple of them unload some trailers when one of them said, "I can tell you like this shift better." I smiled and nodded before asking what gave it away. His answer was, "Because you fit in." That wasn't really too hard. I was so used to 3rd shift that random comments were just another day in the office. Everyone's been real cool. Joe Canfield's a good boss, but our boss, Dave Z is great. My first day on his shift, he called everyone in the office and told them to make sure I was comfortable on the shift. Unlike the guys on 3rd shift, they actually went out of their way to get to know me a bit. On top of that, they asked how I was liking my job, if I needed any help, etc. They've been real awesome. I can't complain too much. What I CAN complain about, is the fact that everyone's giving me too much credit for my kindness and good nature. I hate to inform them of this, but... I'm quite shallow. After some of the girls I've dated, it's no surprise. Now, Helen tried hooking me up with her 18 year old cousin. First of all, I don't date 18 year olds. Helen's not good at the whole match-making thing to begin with. She gave her cousin an age and me a time. That was it. It wasn't until AFTER I was supposed to meet her, that I got a name. I looked her up on Facebook. I failed to remember that a person's Facebook profile picture can lie. On her profile picture, she doesn't look 18 and she doesn't look chubby. So, I thought she was this tiny, adorable, blonde haired girl. Man, was I wrong. I took a look at some of her pictures the day before we were supposed to meet. She's a bit on the chubby side and she's plain looking. She's not my type. I still hung out with her though, but there was no spark. There was a spark with Helen. I don't know if she felt the same, but I definitely saw a spark. I was talking to one of my lady friends from BCC about this and she said that one of her co-workers is looking for a relationship and needs a date to her wedding. So, I looked HER up on Facebook and pretty-much fits the same description of Helen's cousin. She's very big and very plain looking. So, I'm looking very hard for a way to get out of it. So far, I'm going to try to get one of my lady friends to act like my "temporary girlfriend" for the wedding. This is one of the few times where being Kelcie's friend again would come as some use to me. Well, it'd sure as hell make things easier for me. If there's any need for even more proof why I'm so shallow and picky, I have the perfect story. One of my indy wrestler buddies is dating an 18 year old. He's somewhere around 38 years old. In my opinion, that's just dirty. So far, he's accusing other guys at trying to get with her. I think all they did was talk to her. It gets better than that. Keith Zimmer's best friend apparently tried to get with this girl. On top of that, there's a rumor going around that he's trying to hook up with a 14 year old as well. That would make him a pedophile. I'm not sure how true this rumor is, but I've heard if from more than one person. I can't remember if I ever mentioned Jeff Greeno a.k.a Anarchy on here before or not, but he does have a thing for stealing other people's girls. It almost got him in trouble a few years ago. Him and IB Green's wife were having an affair. Apparently, he thought that she would actually divorce her husband to be with him. There were a couple problems with that. For one thing, her daughter despised him. That alone was enough for the relationship to never work out. Eventually, everyone caught wind of that and Jeff went on an 8 month haitus from the indy scene. Apparently, when he returned, he tried stealing some of the students' girls and that has all recently bubbled to the surface. It reminds me of the situation between Denna and myself back in 2008. I was in the wrong. I know this now. I also know that I was naive to ever believe that her and I would ever get together back then. I was young and stupid back then. There was an indy show, last Friday. That was a lot of fun. One of the bad guy managers dumped his bottle of water on me. He knows me well, so he knew he could get away with it. Since I go to all the local shows around here, all the guys know me. Back in August 2011, there was an after-party of the show in Sidney. Everyone was invited. Wrestlers, fans, refs, workers, everyone. I was talking with the guys that were there hanging out. I was driving, so I was drinking coke. One of the wives came over and hugged me. "These guys love you. You make it fun for them," she said. It is true. I've even have other fans approach me and say that they enjoy watching me go nuts in the front row. After the show on Friday, I'm still drenched from the water, but I went up to the bad guy manager's wife and said, "I think your husband missed me." She laughed, hugged me, and said, "You were great! They all think the world of you!" I thanked her and said that I was glad it wasn't a Heinekin like last time. Someone took a picture of it. It came out pretty good. The manager came out and gave me a hug. We talked a bit, then I wished him a safe trip home. Those guys are class acts. They make sure everyone has a good time at their shows. It's just a shame that the next one of THEIR shows is in August. I always get a confidence boost after their shows. I think it's the atmosphere. I like ECPW's shows too as well as 2CW's shows. But, the feeling I get from Xcite shows is hard to explain. I'll be there in August. I'm really looking forward to it. It's always a pleasure.

Some Point Guns, Others Point Fingers. Neither Is Right.

Why the hell is it that people decide to do something tragic on Fridays? If it's not on a Friday, they do it on Tuesday. I just don't understand it. 9/11 happened on a Tuesday. The Colorado Shooting happened on a Friday. This past Friday, Doug Gardner drove to Shirley Gardner's home and shot himself twice in her garage. He owed her a lot of money for Akraturn even though Akraturn is no more. He owed others a ton of money as well. He blamed Shirley for his financial troubles. After his father, Walt had passed away, his relationship with his step-mother took a nose-dive. The agreement between Doug and Walt were that if Walt should die before Doug paid off Akraturn, the payments would be made to Shirley. Well, Doug never paid her. Not only did he not pay her, but he didn't show her any respect at all. So, Shirley went after him with a lawyer. Doug had several failed businesses before he pulled the trigger to that gun on Friday. He tried owning and running a bar three times. All three were failures. He tried owning and running a few machine shops. Most of them went out of business. I hear that his latest one is on the verge of seeing the same fate. When it came to running a business, Doug was no Walt Gardner. The apple fell far from the tree. Walt was a successful businessman. Unfortunately, Doug never got that rub from his old man. Walt was tough, but fair. Doug was just an overbearing prick. When Doug, Dave, and Pam were old enough to become part of the business, Walt treated them like employees. If they screwed up, he'd chew them out just like he would any of his employees. But, he would do so in a professional manner. Doug would call his employees derogatory names and threaten their jobs if they made mistakes. He never did that with me, but that's because he's known me since I was eight and he didn't want my dad jumping on his ass. Not only that, but I never gave Doug a reason to have to get on me. Doug liked making the money, but he wasn't too big on spending it on the things that were necessary to keep the money flowing. Almost like having eyes bigger than your stomach when ordering from a menu at a restaurant. I didn't have any animosity towards Doug. I don't have any now, but I do think it was a low move on how he chose to end his life. Despite all of this information that I've shared, I don't have anything against the guy. Hell, he gave me job back in 2009 when I desperately needed one. He stuck up for me when his partner wanted to let me go. I did the best job I could to make sure that Doug never regretted his decision to keep me on his payroll. The last time I saw Doug alive, was back sometime last year. I went to the bowling alley that my dad was in to kill time before I had to work. Doug was sitting at his table. Doug greeted me with a smile and a handshake. "You want a drink? Your old man's buying!" he said. I said that I was working later. He asked how it was going over at Willow Run. I assured him that everything was going alright over there. He talked to my dad for a little bit, then headed out. Before he left I shook his head and said it was good seeing him. "You too, buddy!" he replied smiling. The Gardeners have always treated us like we were part of their family. Walt was like a second father to my dad, which made Doug seem like another brother. Dad didn't seem too broken up when he called me to tell me that Doug had shot himself. Mom was the first to tell me, then dad called me later on in the evening. Does this mean that dad's not affected by Doug's death? No, I'm sure dad was broken up about it. He did take Walt's death harder, but that was Walt. Dad also has this absolute hatred for suicide. My grandfather shot himself in the heart when I was nine. Again, it was over money. He had lost his job and felt that he was a failure. So, he went down to the apple tree on his property and shot himself. Dad told me that suicide was a final solution to a temporary problem. I agree with him on that. On top of all this. I got a phone call from an old co-worker. He was letting me know that Doug's wife's family blame my father for Doug's suicide. Their claim is that my dad left Doug high and dry when he took the job in Marathon at another machine shop. They say that my dad let Doug down. Doug did want my dad to come work for him again, but Doug never offered my dad a job. If he did, I'm sure that dad would have said no. My dad didn't approve of the way Doug ran a business. He did care about Doug, but he didn't like the way Doug handled certain things. Hell, everyone's like that in one way or another. I saw a comment left by someone on that side of the family that said, "js will pay for his ways". Exactly what is that supposed to mean? First of all, instead of being a coward and hiding behind a freakin' keyboard, why the hell doesn't this person just put "John Sullivan will pay for his ways?" Probably, because they're too much of a chicken shit to do so. I would love to respond to the comment, but I know that both my parents would disapprove of that. So, I'm not responding just yet. These scumbags can point a finger and blame my dad, blame Shirley, and whoever else they want that think had something to do with Doug's death. But, nobody is at fault. They'll just look like the ignorant cowards that they are. The only man to blame, is the man that pulled the trigger. Because of this tension, I will not be going to the calling hours or the funeral. I don't think my parents are either. Well, I know mom's not going. I don't know about dad. He could care less what these dipshits think of him, so he might go. I do know that Doug's wife and one of Doug's sons DO NOT blame dad for what happened. I'm sure his other sons don't hold a grudge against him either, but I haven't heard any solid proof on that. For the people that Doug left behind, I send my condolences and grieve for their loss. I hope they'll find peace somewhere in the near future.

I'll Never Forget Again

Last weekend was a blast. Swartz and I hit up Jersey Saturday and Sunday. Saturday, we got pretty hammered. A little too hammered. Swartz ended up puking and I had a hangover the next morning. I thought that I'd get to meet more wrestlers than I did at the Fan Axxess event. Unfortunately, I only met four of them. Still, it was a lot of fun. At Wrestlemania, I was indeed up in the nosebleed section, but at least I was there. I even got a t-shirt that said I was. It was a lot better than last year's Wrestlemania, but I liked last year's too. The best part of the evening... seeing The Undertaker beat CM Punk. He's 21-0 and I couldn't be happier with that. That win helped me get out of my rut that I've been in. John Cena beat The Rock for the WWE Championship in the main event. I'll hand it to The Rock, he gave Cena the respect he deserved. Also, I got a position on 1st shift at Willow Run Foods doing pretty-much what I do now. However, one of the scumbags on 3rd shift tried to throw a wrench in that. This 19 year old retard has a hard enough time trying to make it on our shift let alone one on 1st. The boss has done his best to keep us away from each other. One day, his mouth will get his ass beat. It'll probably happen sooner than later. So, all is right in the world. Well, at least for now. I hung out with Helen and her sister, Judy yesterday. Her husband showed up later on and ended up hanging with me as the girls got their hair done. I'm glad I'm a guy. It takes maybe a half hour to cut my hair. For them, it took about three hours. Before we picked up Judy, I finally told Helen everything I've wanted. Well, at least the important stuff. There's a couple things that didn't hit me until later. I honestly don't know what it was about Helen that made me crazy about her when I first met her, but I know what kept me thinking about her. I just read all of our conversations on Facebook. There were things she said that I had totally forgotten about until I re-read them. Things like how she would playfully call me a pretty-boy. There was a really long conversation we had on there once, where I'd get notifications that said "Helen likes your photo." As we were talking, she was checking out my pictures and liking the ones that she thought I looked good in. During one of our conversations, she said I was a handsome pretty-boy with a mix of street fighter and a little bit of country. She playfully said that it was hard to resist. The reason I gave up and ended up dating Tina, was because I forgot about all of this. Still, I'll never forget the way she looked at me when I picked her and her son up to take them over to Judy's. I was supposed to take them to the ER, so her son could have his eye looked at, but she asked to stop at Judy's real quick. The entire time, she didn't take her eyes off me. She was smiling this smile... kind of like admiration and thankfulness. To this day, I think she was starting to become attracted to me. I think it scared her a bit. I can't blame her for that. Her husband screwed her up pretty good. Yesterday, she said that I'm one of her close friends and that was a huge accomplishment. She said that not too many people have been able to get close to her like I have. I bet it all goes back to that afternoon that I came and got her and her son. Even though we're just friends, she still looks at me a certain way that she doesn't to anyone else including her husband. There was another time that I had to take her to a drug test, so she could be employed at a job she applied to. Her son was with us. When we had to cross the street, she said "hand, Jay." Instead of taking her hand, he grabbed hold of mine. She joked about being sad that he didn't grab her hand, but she was smiling at me. She's told me that her son doesn't like too many guys that are around her, but for some reason, he liked me. I don't understand how I could've forgotten about all this, but I'm not going to dwell on it. Helen and I have a friendship that's unique for the two of us and that's better than nothing. I don't think her husband knows how fortunate he is. That girl's incredible and I have a suspicion that he doesn't even realize it. I look at him and I try to figure out how the hell he got so lucky. Maybe it's not meant to be understood. This past weekend got me back to being how I was. I'm not about to let that fade by thinking of what could've been. Now that my smile's back, I'm picking up where I left off. Starting with getting back to 1st shift.

Looking For The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I'm trying to keep this damn thing updated. I ended up going to a dealership with my parents on Saturday. Although my credit sucks, they worked with me on a lease for a 2013 Ford Focus. This helped me deal with the demise of the Suzuki. Monday, I went to see Helen. Her husband was there, which I figured he'd be since it was around 5:00 in the afternoon. Normally, when I see a girl I like with another guy, I usually wanna throw up. There's that twinge of pain that hits right in the middle of my heart. It was kind of scary on Monday... none of that happened when I saw them kiss. No twinge of jealousy, not heartache, nothing. I'm not sure if I have just learned to accept disappointment or if I'm just numb from all of the times I've been rejected. I'll never understand how dirtbags get these amazing women and manage to keep a hold of them. Sometimes, the girl comes to her senses and leaves, but the dirtbag gets them right back with them. I don't know how they do it. I'm almost starting to think I'm not trying hard enough. Regardless, any possibility of letting Helen know how much she means to me is out the window. The rest of the week went by without too many problems. For the most part, it was quiet. My trip to WrestleMania just got a bit more challenging. The U.S Department of Education has taken my tax return. That's $1300 that I was going to use to get caught up with everyone else that I owe money to. Here's the kicker. I have a payment plan with them. There's no reason for them to take my tax return money. I already tried calling them and was directed to a number that was "not available" at the time. I plan on trying again on Monday. If they refuse to return a good chunk of my tax return to me, I'll just close my account and choose a new bank. Illegal? Most likely, but I refuse to stay broke until I pay them the $13,000 I somehow owe them. Thanks to my mother and my grandmother, I'll still be going on my trip, this weekend. Hopefully, it'll snap me out of this slum I'm in. I'm starting to become more confident that The Undertaker will win. Someone at work threw out a few facts. He basically said why would he go 20-0 just to lose to someone like CM Punk. I agree it makes no sense. Also, I've been thinking that I should really get back into writing. More like starting to write is more like it. I have three passions. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, wrestling, and writing. Writing's been my passion since I was a kid. But, I always get writer's block and never put any of my good ideas on paper. I did a lot of little "stories" when I was a kid, but as I got older, I started doing less and less. I'm starting to question if writing really is my passion. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm my own critic and will accept nothing but the best. If something doesn't look right, I just stop and do it all over again. Sometimes, my mind races faster than I can put it down. I go too much into detail and explaining the scene. That's a huge mistake. I should just give enough information that's needed and let the reader use their imagination. That's why I wanted to be a writer in the first place. Another problem is that I have so many ideas, I don't know which one I want to focus on first. I may wanna go back to doing a few short stories to warm up. Then, work on an actual novel. I just know that I don't wanna self-publish. They'll never sell that way. That's what Robin did. Then again, she self-published and only told her friends and family. She expected us to spread the word. I did to an extent, but it takes more than just that. "I just want my books to take off," she'd say over and over again whenever we hung out. Well, then you gotta put the work in. You can't just sit there and expect to become a New York Times Best Selling Author overnight and then get pissed off when that doesn't happen. In order for me to realize my dream, I must first sit down and write until it's done. Then, I need to find an agent, possibly an editor as well. The agent does the advertising for me and even finds me a publisher. At that point, it's up to the public. Sure, I'll spread the word myself, but at the end of the day, the agent and publisher get the product out to the public. It's not easy. It takes a lot of dedication. I know that I have it. Now, I just gotta act on it. Maybe after my little vacation, I'll get back in it. Everybody talks about living the American dream, but not too many act on it.

Dark Days Have Arrived

I remember when I used to update this thing weekly. It's crazy to see how much I've changed. I've evolved into something even greater than what I was back then. So, how come I don't feel that incredible? 2012 was an awesome year for me. There were a few times that sucked, but those happen. Although, Helen and I never got together, we have a special connection that allows us to be friends. Still, I wish things had worked out differently. She's amazing. When I was taking her to her GED classes, her sister woke me up at noon to go get her. I was extremely tired, but I went to pick her up. When I arrived, she saw how exhausted I was and told me she would walk to her sister's. It was a five minute walk, so I said ok and left. I would always look the door in the bedroom that her sister let me sleep in, so the kids wouldn't be opening it and waking me up. I almost drift off, when I hear someone trying to open the door. I knew I locked it, so I pay no attention. That is... until the door opens and there's Helen with a butter knife. She jimmied the lock to check on me. That's when I knew that she legitimately cared for me. She leaned down, we hugged and gave each other a peck on the cheek, then she shut the door. When I was with her, I discovered things about me that I never knew. She has two kids and although I wasn't really a father figure with them, her son took to me almost immediately. Not sure why, but seeing how I'm a big kid myself, that could be it. Helen had a particular look that she'd give me when I was around. Somewhere around the lines of admiration and graciousness. Personally, I think she was scared about getting into a relationship after her marriage with her husband ended up being a complete disaster. She didn't want me to be alone, so her and her brother-in-law, Derrick who I worked with, had me meet her other sister, Tina. Tina had four kids that were all out of control except for the infant, and wasn't exactly the cleanest or brightest girl. But, when you're desperate, you'll lie and overlook just about everything. Which is exactly what I did. I overlooked how disgusting her parents house was, how out of control the kids were, how terrible human beings her parents are, and how incredibly dirty and stupid she was. Why did I waste three months of my time with this girl? Because Helen would occasionally come over there and tell me how proud she was that I was stepping up for her sister and the kids. Eventually, I had enough and just straight-up dumped her. Helen and I were still cool, which is all that mattered to me anyways. I'd sometimes take her to college in Scranton. As honorable as that may seem, it was also pretty stupid too. My car was six months past it's inspection and was slowly falling apart. I remember Helen waiting for her class to start in my Buick and we saw a parking meter cop. She mentioned that they can also arrest someone breaking the law. I said, "well that makes me all fuzzy inside seeing how my car's six months past it's inspection." She slowly turned to me with this expression that said, "are you nuts?" However, her next words caught me off guard. She said, "You did all this for me?" It's no secret that I like her a lot. About as much as I liked Denna or Kelcie. She ended up putting college on hold and got a job close to her place. I finished the year off and my Buick finally kicked the bucket. Hitting the deer and having a brake line break on me didn't really help that much either. My dad worked out a deal with me and sold me mom's 2008 Suzuki XL7 for $9,000. About a week after getting the vehicle, I went out to hang with Mike Sisson and Kelcie along with our friend from work, Greg Swartz. I saw Kelcie talking to this girl in the corner of the bar we were at. I walked over to see how Kelcie was getting home. She introduced me to the girl and we got to talking. Instead of taking Kelcie home, I ended up taking this girl home instead. One thing led to another and we were making out in my bedroom the next night. I had a girlfriend that I thought wasn't a complete psycho. Still, the similarities between her and Helen are scary. The hair color, facial structure, the way they talk, even their toes look similar. Her name's Colleen McGrory and like Helen, she's close to her sister, has a boy and a girl, just like Helen does. Some of the guys I work with thought that this girl was just a substitute, because I couldn't get with Helen. No, that's not the case. It's just a weird coincidence. Unfortunately, my relationship with Colleen only lasted three weeks and I was sick for one of them. She was sick for one of them, so there was no huge attachment. However, the disappointment I felt was huge. I might of recovered and still be friends with her if it weren't for one huge factor. A few weeks went by after I was sick, but I never made a recovery and most of the symptoms stayed with me. A blood test confirmed that I had Mono, the kissing disease. Not only did this girl play games, but she gave me a viral illness that never truly goes away. What's worse is that she hangs out with Swartz every week. If he gets hurt and she's the reason, I made a promise that I would make her life a living hell. Ever since she dumped me, I haven't been myself. I lost all hope in everything. To make matters worse, before I knew I had Mono, Kelcie and I made out. I called her to give her a heads-up and she freaked out. She no longer talks to me. Mike Sisson over-heard me tell Kelcie that I'm tired of him always bugging me to come out and drink, so he no longer talks to me either. Here's the part that's disturbing. I could care less about both. If that wasn't enough, I wrecked my Suzuki on Monday during a snow storm. The car is totalled. Yet, I don't have a scratch on me even though it tipped over on my side. The hits just keep on coming. It's taken a huge toll on my personality. Like I said before, I haven't felt like myself. There's only two things that can snap me out of this mind-set I'm in. Unfortunately, neither one looks like it's about to happen anytime soon. The first one being winning Helen's affection. I don't feel like Jack Sullivan when I'm around Helen. I'm something much more. I'm a knight, a savior, a hero. That's what I feel when I'm around Helen. But, she's about to get back with her ex-husband and before that, she didn't want a relationship. At least not with me anyway. The other solution is that Undertaker has to win at WrestleMania, this year. Swartz and I have discussed it and we have tickets, this year. We're going to WrestleMania in New Jersey. Undertaker's facing a former WWE & World Heavyweight Champion by the name of CM Punk. Since wrestling's scripted, there's already rumors that CM Punk will be the one to end Undertaker's undefeated streak. Then again, there were a few others that were said to end the Deadman's streak and he dropped every single one of them on their heads. I remember back in 2007, watching Undertaker defeat Batista for the World Heavyweight Championship. Everyone said that Batista was chosen to retain the title. Undertaker beat him. I still remember the feeling I had when Undertaker beat him and went on to hold the title for a few months. All was right with the world. When he beat Edge in 2008, I felt the same way. Not only that, but that was also when Denna and I were sort of seeing each other too. Again, all was right with the world. Last year, Undertaker beat Triple H in a Hell in a Cell match. Helen and I just met. She had been texting me every day since that first day. She asked me How was WrestleMania, this year. She was a bit of a wrestling fan too. I texted her back saying it was awesome and Undertaker won. So, why do I think that the rumors may be true, this time? Because I've seen pictures of The Undertaker lately. He looks tired and after his last match at WrestleMania, he probably has one more left in him. That and CM Punk is the only one that can withstand the hatred from all of the fans around the world. However, there's still that small ray of hope that The Undertaker will come through for me. Mostly, because he always has before. I need him to win this match badly. I'm not sure what a loss will do to me. He's gotta win. In a couple weeks, I'm going to see Helen and pretty-much tell her what I have put down here. It won't matter as far as her and I becoming a couple, but I'll get the satisfaction of knowing that she knows how much she means to me.